I am spending my child support on dildos
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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