I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
