I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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