I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
