guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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