I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
