is your mom at the bar?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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