I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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