If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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