I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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