i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
