A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
