I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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