As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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