when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
