I heard we made out
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
