Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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