I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
