I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Randomize
