maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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