I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
