Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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