Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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