Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Who wears a wallet chain?!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize