Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
