We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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