I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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