He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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