dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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