I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
