it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
