being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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