Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Say something about gay babies.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
