I'm sorry my penis didn't work
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
