Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Sorry about my life...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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