She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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