i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
