Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
