You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
