I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
