There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
