my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
