Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
