shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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