How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
A+ Viking dick
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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