I wish I could teleport
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
