it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
