someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
