the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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