What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
What drink are we having for lunch?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
