Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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