# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
